Hello, 2012! Ranting but still Hopeful

Happy New Year, bloggy! Was supposed to write yesterday but Kali used Macario the entire day. So this is going to be my Post New Year's Day blog. 


Kinda not in the mood to write today actually. Since yesterday, I've been itching to busy myself with something to do like baby stuff-shopping or getting our room ready for baby's arrival. Unfortunately, Kali who should be my partner for deciding and doing all these things is busy with something else-his NBA Fantasy stuff. Since yesterday morning, the first thing he did the moment he woke up was to turn the TV on for the NBA game. Next thing was he's already sitting with Macario on his lap while watching the game. He left around lunch time (without even bathing) to do some errands for Tita Carol's birthday. When he got home, he still sticked with Macario up until the evening. And to send himself to sleep, watched a couple or so episodes of the Walking Dead. Nice diba?


In seven weeks or so, I'm about to give birth already and Baby Boy still doesn't have a single stuff for himself. I've been diligently listing down essential things that we should buy since my first trimester and it's getting frustrating already that we haven't even bought anything. Our room, which I would have wanted to paint, is still the same because he wouldn't volunteer to do it. I've cleaned it already a number of times, rearrange the bed and his drawers almost every month and wished that he'd maintain it but I couldn't even ask him to get hold of a broom and a dustpan.


One time, we went to the mall to check out some baby stuff and it felt like I'm the only one excited about it. He wouldn't even touch or look at the items. He'd just sit on one corner and do something with his phone. This week, I've checked out schedules of birthing classes and there is one this coming Saturday. I'm kinda not sure already if I still want to attend one since I got this pissed feeling after seeing him busy himself with these non-profitable stuff which for me is just a waste of time. It's not that I'm not allowing him to join or do such, but PLEASE, not on a Daily basis my dear. We have a child coming up, you have business waiting for you, why not spend your time on those more important things? 


I don't know. I hate feeling this way but I didn't expect something like this from him. Sometimes, it kind of makes me question why he married me. Was it just because he got me pregnant? Was it just for the baby to have a name and a so-called family? Or was it only because OUR parents wanted us to marry? Because, if that's the case, I would choose to carry this out by myself. 


I hate being dependent on others. Since college, I've always tried to live by myself and away from my family. As much as I could, I avoid asking for help or assistance, that's how I lived before I got married. Now that I'm bearing a son, the situation's a lot different. I know I have to be assisted. But if things are just like this, it's no way different from living alone. 


We are not a team, when we should be a team. 


I miss living independently. If only I've been firm enough, I would have chosen not to marry and raise this child alone. But my love for my kid is too big, I could not bear to see him grow without a family to call his own. And so I forgot myself and my own happiness. All I could care about now is his happiness and his future. When I die, atleast I could tell God that once in my life, I loved selflessly and that love is that of what I gave my child.


When I got married, I have this motto I tell myself everyday, and that is: Work it out. I try not to put options or exit/escape plans on this marriage. It's one way of telling myself that this is a life-long commitment. It's not like I have an option like Kim Kardashian who after 72 days, ends her marriage or Katy Perry, who, after a year, does the same. Plus, I'm no Hollywood star, I don't have the luxury and money for a divorce and Philippines doesn't have such separation laws to begin with. We're just ordinary people, and ordinary people like our parents, respect the vows of marriage. 


So, as I rant on this blog today, at the back of my mind and in my heart, I still wish for a good change. I still hope for something beautiful and I still want to work things out. After all, my sacrifice of my own happiness would only cease if I decide to drop this and chose not to work it out. 


I still have high hopes for Kali. For the past six years, I've seen him become the best boyfriend and I know eventually, he'll get used to married life and be the best husband to me and dad to our child. I'm giving him a beginner badge. I'm praying that eventually, he'll let go of unimportant habits and focus on things that would benefit our small family. He's still young and should be seizing opportunities instead of wasting away. 


So, A Happy and Hopeful 2012 for all of us! 


It's not yet too late to start again today for everyday is a new beginning. :) 


By the way, I'm on my 30th week this coming Friday. :) 


xoxo